This Just Got Personal

I’ve been away for quite some time, it would seem. I just stopped, I guess. For about month, my thoughts and reading was all geared towards having a baby. But that stopped too.

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago, and that has taken over the thinking-about-other-things space in my brain where pregnancy excitement used to be.

Right now, I’m in a strange state of not knowing what to do with myself. I feel like Wonder Bread. Utterly normal. I don’t really remember being pregnant, or what that excitement felt like. It seems strange to me that we even were in that place just a few weeks ago, but at the same time, I have no desire to start trying again, and the excitement over the particular unknown of motherhood hasn’t returned. But I go about my daily life feeling fine most of the time. But sometimes I just feel…different.

Actually, I feel altogether apathetic about most things. I won’t say that there’s no enjoyment in my life (there is!), and I don’t think I’m depressed. We have a new puppy that I love (Hank), and there are still wonderful things about my job, my marriage, my friends, etc. But I have no motivation to do anything extra at all, like housework or reading. I like things without really caring about them. I feel really sloppy.

And who’s to say what’s related to the miscarriage, and what’s the result of the week or so during and after the miscarriage where that apathy and rest was needed? Is it my body and mind screaming for rest — a grief-induced disengagement? Or is it just the laziness that comes after too long of a rest? Honestly, I feel like my emotional response to the miscarriage is mostly finished. I’m very okay. I don’t feel like a liar when I respond, “Good!” to the question, “How are you?” But yet, I feel Psalm 42:

“As the deer pants for flowing streams, so my soul pants for you, O God. 
My soul thirsts for the living God… 

These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: 
how I would go with the throng 
and lead them in procession to the house of God 
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.”

I want to be engaged with life. I want to care about things and not just trudge along. I feel like I’m the deer panting in the wilderness, remembering the times when worship meant something, and when I felt like reading the Word of God was at the very least a chance for refreshment. And so, with the psalmist, I ask my self,

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?

And answer,

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him
my salvation and my God.”

The psalm continues with my heart,

“My soul is cast down within me; 
therefore I remember you…

Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.

The author of the psalm knows and wants God, but still feels overwhelmed. He reminds himself:

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.”

And so he ends by calling his heart to hope again.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.”

Right now, I feel too tired to make the effort to hope. I don’t feel sad, but I don’t feel hopeful. I’m not angry or even disappointed that God determined this way for our path, but I’m tired and can’t tell what kind of rest I need. Or maybe I don’t even need rest. Maybe I just need to have some personal discipline and pull myself up by my bootstraps.

So pray for me, would you? I really am just fine (in every meaning of “just”). I trust and have seen God’s good for me in suffering, but I need wisdom — this sort of “painless suffering” is new territory for me.

Jamie

p.s. I picked up a new book this week about women in the home and workplace, and I’ve been enjoying it. Granted, most of the times I’ve tried to read it I’ve fallen asleep with a puppy in my lap instead. But this weekend I’ve read almost half of it while working at a conference, and it’s been really good! I’m digesting fodder for future blogposts, so stay tuned!

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